A few hours had passed since the explosion. And unfortunately for everyone inside the building at the time, it was nothing but a pile of rubble. Dante, with the willpower of a blood thirsty shark, slowly began to rise out of the rubble, lifting large pieces of debris so that he could stand. As he made his way out he could only think about where he went wrong:taunting that lion or following Lecs into this deranged town.He finally was able to stand tall. His brown eyes scanned the area and unfortunately there weren't as many people around as before. He didn't completely wreck the town but it wasn't anything that these people couldn't bounce back from.....right? Well, it was there fault for expecting him to know what to do so suddenly in the first place! Speaking which, what were they Talking about when they brought up " The Gift" he had? If they really did unlock the "Gift" inside of him then maybe he should be able to use it. Lecs was talking about that it occurred naturally in him what many people must go through years of meditation for. Was he talking about lifting that Lion with nothing but his mind? The whole "Psychokinesis" Or Telekinesis concept? Psychokinesis was using your mind to interact with the outside environment so maybe that was what they were talking about.....But how was he supposed to use it? This "naturally occurring" gift inside of him? Maybe he could try focusing...
Slowly he raised his left hand and extended it to a large piece of the roof that fell on him, the piece beginning to rumble. Hey! He was doing it! The piece began to lift higher and higher into the air until....the figure of Lecs standing there was revealed. So he didn't use his "Gift" yet....Great. And not only that, Mr " Shut up and Listen" was awake. " You survived. I'm surprised dry bones." Dante's smug tone was evident as he crossed his arms and turned his side towards Lecs. Lecs let out a cough, his robe beginning to glow blue as he picked loose pieces of drywall and clay out of it using his own Psychokinesis. Where were other members of the Monachus society? Lecs didn't have time to worry or explain. He wanted to get Dante on track. " It'll take more then your lack of control and a building to get rid of me." Dante wasn't really amused or surprised. So far he hasn't seen any exemplary abilities besides Psychokinesis from him. So surviving a crumbling just like he did wasn't that amazing. Anyway, Dante wanted answers. It was about time he got them. " Enough about that. Teach me how to use this gift you were so focused on making me release." Dante demanded, now turning his full body towards the cloaked old man. Lecs though had a simple reaction. One word." Focus." He said plainly, Dante's mouth curling into a frown. He let off an irritated sigh as he closed his eyes. He'd go ahead and play along." Fine."
Dante tried his old method. He extended out his left hand towards a piece of debris, the debris now being coated in a blue light and slowly floating into the air. To behold his own power, Dante opened his eyes and for the first time in weeks his mouth curled into a smile."I'm doing it!" Lecs, of course had to burst his bubble." Something as small as this cannot be a good measure.Try something bigger." The debris lost it's blue coating and then fell back amongst the collection of pieces, Dante now huffing." Thanks Killjoy.What else is bigger here that I can lift and be proud about?" Before Lecs could answer a low growl was heard in the distance. The two turned their heads and panned the area looking for the source of this growl. Eventually, a large feral dog like creature arose from the surrounding forest. For some odd reason it had no eyes but it was as if it was looking directly at them both. The nostrils twitched with each step it made towards them. This was a mutated dog of some sort. The large muscular tone it had about it's body was far from natural. And no eyes? Plus, those stitches around it's body didn't help him believe something like this was just around waiting for prey. Someone must have done this to this dog. It was freaking huge!
While Dante was marveling at the size and condition of this hound, Lecs got ready just in case the dog became hostile. His prediction seemed to be right as the hound lowered his snout to the ground, taking in a large amount of air before he leaped towards Dante. Shaking himself out of his trance-like state, Dante dove forward, unfortunately face first into another pile of rubble.The deformed hound forced his paws into the ground, sliding against the pile of old rubble they were still on, turning his head towards Lecs. Dante was able to get up, regardless of the embarrassment he just experienced and he stretched his arm towards the hound, the hound getting coated in that familiar blue light as Dante began to lift him into the air.Then, he brought his arm down quickly to imitate a slamming motion. The hound followed his motion and was smashed into the ground like a bug, but, unfortunately this wasn't enough. He arose as if it wasn't effective. Well Dante did JUST find out he had this power....Lecs threw his hand forward and the dog went flying in the same direction. Maybe Dante could try something simple instead of attempting to maneuver like Lecs.Dante did what he was doing before: lift up a piece of debris. He lifted up a larger piece this time, keeping his eyes nervously. This was life and death and he was depending on something he just learned. If he approached that...thing directly he was done for so he'd have to hope this would work
The nervous Adolescent swung his right arm to the left, the glowing piece of clay wall flying over towards the dazed hound and smashing into the side of his rib-cage,forcing him to fall over onto his side and begin to yelp in pain. Dante didn't let go though. He brought the piece of wall over the hound and then down onto him fiercely, causing the creature to spit up a tiny puddle of blood. Dante was sure if he let this thing live he'd come back....so he couldn't allow it to walk away or recover. He continued to bludgeon it Telekinetically, until it was just a mess of blood and broken bones. Lecs, since his face wasn't visible behind his hood, didn't sound the least bit worried, surprised or even angry when he spoke. " I looks like you're a natural." Well that was a first. A compliment from a kill joy like him. Dante didn't expect it but he accepted it.Dante's arm fell to his side as he turned his attention to Lecs." Yeah. A natural psycho." He said with a hint of remorse. " One kill doesn't make you a Psycho." This was when Dante turned away from Lecs.
" What about enjoying it?"
Yeah, you're right about the formatting here. Still off, but readable. The only real critique I'd have for this chapter would be when he kills the hound, maybe make it longer by being more descriptive in regards to the fight, so that way it has more of an overall impact. Not to mention to add to the shock and twisted liking of killing that Dante reveals at the end.
Getting more into Dante's point of view was interesting. And since you've suggested that I go in depth with his own feelings and what not, I was thinking maybe I should rewrite Chapter 1 from his point of view. That may be a good idea. ^^
I'd think maybe the whole story could benefit from being in the first point of view. But that's just me. Each story is different, for example, Tome of the Hero has the letter opening in a first person point of view, but that's because it's setting the scene and is supposed to engage the reader. The rest of it is in a third person perspective, but it primarily focuses on one character, since the main premise is Xel is regaling the tale of what has happened so far to the reader. But since you are already putting a lot of comments in about how Dante is feeling, it might be better for the entire thing to just be solely through his eyes.
You have an interesting viewpoint on things. I'm gonna try re-writing Chapter 1 in his point of view and see how things go. ^^ Thanks for taking the time to give me your opinion.
No problem. I like to think of myself as primarily a writer, and I'm lucky enough to have two published authors in my circle of irl friends, so they've managed to help me develop into my current writing style today. All those English/Composition/Creative Writing courses probably helped too. I'm glad to give you feedback, since that's the best way for anyone to become more skilled, at least in my experience.
Speaking of English maybe I should send all five chapters to my English teacher. She has a high opinion of me and maybe she could help sharpen my writing skill just as you're doing. And lucky you to have two published authors nearby. >.<